So my dear friends I’ve decided to weigh the odds and lay this conundrum to rest once and for all. No matter how long it takes me and by that I mean till my lunch arrives.

So Loyal Lap Dog versus Champion Of The Truth. 

Loyal Lap Dog

This means you stand up for your friends no matter what, even if they’re dead wrong. Reason, intelligence and your convent school education take a back seat and blind loyalty takes over.

Pros

Your friends will love you. You’ll be ‘best friend’, even. There will be tears of realisation that there’s noone else they’d rather have in their corner than you.

You will wake up feeling worthy and congratulate yourself again and again for your balls of steel.

You will convince yourself that were it the other way around, said friend would do the same for you.

“That’s what friends are for” will now assume a whole new meaning in your life and as a sub thought you’ll wonder very much if you could pull off Dione Warwick’s helmet hair today (the answer is ‘no’).

Cons

You will have made enemies with the other party, so you can perish all hopes of ever asking them for favours.

Said enemy and all her minions, once over and twice removed, will now refer to you as your friend’s ‘biatch’ and make barking sounds whenever you walk by.

Defended friend might turn around and let loose a spirited spiel on how she can fight her own battles and you never just let her live and be her own person (eugh).

You will give yourself a sound talking to in the mirror, present your case to yourself and then proceed to disagree with you.

You will Simon-&-Grafunkel yourself into a whirlpool of self pity and then drown in it over and over again.

Champion Of The Truth

This means you stick to what you actually think is right while pandering slightly to your friend’s bruised ego and at the same time trying not to look directly at her and into her mouth that is decidedly ‘O’ shaped, right now.

Pros

You’ve done well by Sister Peter, your fourth standard Value Ed teacher.

Your Mum has never been more proud of you. Never, except for the time you told everyone that whore Mrs. Mishra’s daughter had a substance abuse problem. That she’s two years old is irrelevant.

You feel happy that you and your friend have a nice mature relationship in which neither of you have to patronise each other.

You shove the extra syllable ‘woo’ before ‘man’ whenever you listen to ‘Measure of a man” now, and contemplate on the freakish similarities between you and Sir Elton John. He wear specs, you wear specs! He likes men, you…

Cons

Your friend will stone you.

If she is Catholic, get ready for one too many Judas Iscariot references.

You now realise that you and your friend do not, in fact, have a nice mature relationship. She actually thinks you’re her ‘biatch’ which kind of defeats the point, really.

You will remember that ‘to have a friend you need to be one’ and realise how empty and meaningless your life is without F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

You will cry for your humanity. After giving it some thought, you will soon realise that you look like an asshole. This will make you cry some more.

You will lose your umbrella. Why? Because the world is just that cruel.

Yeah, this exercise didn’t help me at all. I’m off to take a walk till lunch arrives, this fence is making my ass ache.

me: NO OF COURSE NOT!

mother: why are you lying?

me: um just now and then at lunch

him: you have lunch now and then?

me: no, everyday

him: so you eat out everyday?

me: yeah i guess

him: hmm okay, are you weight conscious?

me: NO OFCOURSE NOT!!

mother: sigh

Amy Winehouse is awesome. Give her a listen.

(I’m not able to format and align the text so we’ll pretend I’m arty)

I think I’m in love, wanting to marry him, wanting to be his babymomma.

He’s tall and softspoken and super talented.

Did I mention I’m thirteengoneontwentytwo?

That’s KK Menon by the way.

*heart*

Ps: Studio 60 rocks my socks off.

Been a while… thought I’d resurface to let you (three) folks know what I’ve been upto. Bated breath all around, yes.

The past month has quite possibly been the most harrowing time of my life. I’ve experienced erratic bouts of emotion ranging from mad rage to hysterical laughter to soulless apathy to unreal euphoria. And no, I haven’t smoked anything synthetic or organic, rest assured. During the past month, just the sheer pace of things has warranted this confusing gamut. To everyone that had to witness and partake of this experience willingly or otherwise, my sincere apologies. Including my dog who spent several confused nights with a wet back-of-the-neck.

I’ve learnt a hell of a lot, first and foremost being that hindsight is a real motherfucker. I can’t count the number of times this month I’ve wished I was a contortionist. Why? So I could bend my goddamn leg and stick my foot in my pie hole and alternately bend it all the way backward and kick my own ass! I mean God! Holy stupidity Fatman! You know how you look back on things and realize that even then you knew they were wrong or at least not all right and you just kept mum because you thought nay you hoped they’d blow over and how they just snowballed into big things that caught up with you all at once? Er, that happened to me.

Also, how the hell are people so intense? I’m talking about people that have the capacity to feel and give and lose and love and all those other lead-ins to The Oprah Show, without anything in return. I mean they’re a different variety of whack job. Incidentally all these people happen to be insanely close friends that I have tremendous admiration for.

I’ve been thinking, do people, things and time really change us? I mean our opinions sure, but what about our essence, the fabric we’re made of, so to speak? For instance my views on monogamy were single handedly sautéed and turned over by a book but does that mean I’ll spurn monogamy in practice? No, I don’t think it does. Because as a person I’m hardwired internally, to not. And not because anyone told me it’s wrong, in fact I’ve never been freer than now to make radical decisions. But I know I won’t do it. Fuck, am I inarticulate or what?! But yeah just a wondering.

Also, old friends are a beautiful thing.

My will to assimilate inane celebrity trivia that has no relevance to my life in anyway is ebbing slowly. This worries me greatly. No jokes. It was like my last shred of mindlessness and the ability to auto pilot that I took great comfort in. Now every damn thing warrants thought and it’s exhausting. I’ve realized I don’t like thinking. It’s a waste of my time.

Books I’ve read – The Giver, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Amulet of Samarkand and The Queen and I. Decent.

New Music listened to – Mazzy Star, Sufjan Stevens, Beth Orton.Decent.

Movies – A Night at the Opera, Omkara, Before Sunrise, Office Space, Pink Panther, Blood Diamond. Tsk.

Got the first ten episodes of Studio 60 so my weekend is booked. Now if only I can make it to there in one piece.

 And finally, I’ve put on two more kgs. Fucking cherry on my cake, huh?

• I’m not going to let my camera get obsolete like I did my guitar and synthesiser. As of tomorrow I’m getting a permission letter to bring it with me to work.
• I shall save up to buy myself an iPod within the next two months. The everlasting commute everyday is becoming unbearable.
• I will only drink socially. A sub resolution here is to change by definition of ‘socially’ from ‘whenever I’m with friends’ to ‘whenever I am in an actual party type situation’.
• I will lose weight.
• I will stop being ‘hillbilly shitkicker’-like with my career. My personal life can wait this year.
• I will spring clean my friendships and be a little more family oriented.
• I will be less bitchy. This is going to get a lot of people worried, but hey.
• I will travel this year, even if just by myself. By god, I will travel!
• I will read voraciously (whenever I get time), will watch lots of movies and listen to good music (Bee help me out here, okay?)

Yeah I think that’s a decently doable list. Not too fancy. I hope you too can stick with the resolutions you swear you didn’t make.

1) People somehow don’t appreciate being called fat by me.

2) I project a bitch-from-hell meets kind-lamb persona, if that’s even possible.

3) I’m not as smart as I’d like to think. I’m actually pretty stupid.

4) I’m somehow always surrounded with wonderful people. It’s surprising how many there are in the world.

5) Old habits die hard. Old friendships die harder.

6) 2am conversations are incredible eye openers.

7) You never really change people no matter how much you influence them. Adjust them about a bit maybe, never change. (And by ‘you’ I mean ‘I’)

8 ) There’s noone I don’t have anything in common with.

9) I’m given to convoluted sentences which is a bad thing seeing how I write for a living.

10) People seem to think I know stuff because I’m quiet. More often, it’s just that I don’t know what to say or I’m thinking about something else.

11) Some of Terry Pratchett’s work is overrated *ducks*.

I hope my mother never gets internet savvy. This would distress her, to say the least.

Ps: Beth Orton has a lovely voice.

2) Bottles with unnecessarily large mouths. I always end up pouring half the contents down my shirt. My mother purposely spends more to buy such bottles. She thinks this will teach me to not drink directly from the bottle. I think she does this to piss me off.

3) Having too many things to hold. Cell phone, wallet, cigarettes, kerchief, sweater, book. Irritating. It’s why I carry humongous bags everywhere I go and why I have a chronic shoulder ache. Example: I’m not (yet)one of those irate women in the second class compartment of the Thane fast. But the other day I was carrying 6 heavy plastic bags (don’t ask. Okay christmas shopping), my handbag and my cell phone. The woman beside me kept tch’ing, so I turned around and asked her what her problem was. In Marathi. That i made a fool of myself has no relevance to this anecdote.

4) People that use British terminology/pronunciation that sticks out like a sore thumb, in a non joking way. Example, “Yea dude, hes totally chav” and like, “I saw this go-juss pair of shoes!” No, this isn’t completely made up.

5) People who take more than just a polite bite of my food and go for all the best parts. Example, the potatoes and the chicken and the mushrooms. The upside to it (and the only reason i don’t throw a fit) is that I grudgingly get to lower my calorie intake.

6) Super huggy people. They just need an excuse. “OMG you’re back from the bathroom!” *HUG*

What makes you madder than it should?

Eclat D’arpege by Lanvin. A soft floral fragrance, eclat d’arpege by the design house of lanvin was created in 2003. A sophisticated fruity scent is a blend of sicilian lemon leaves, lilac green, wisteria flowers, green tea flowers, peach flowers, red peony,white cedar of lebanon, musk, and amber.

Cost me a steep (for me) nineteen hundred for a 30ml bottle.

I’ve realised giving myself gifts brings me more joy than being given gifts by other people. Empowerment or something, I don’t know.